“I’m not obsessed with sex, I just can’t stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realize someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.”
It was this quote from the new Showtime show Fleabag that made me choke on my own breath. The line had just be stated in episode one after Phoebe Waller Bridges (the lead) just got out of bed and rush to get ready for a 2AM one night stand with a random man. A moment I’m very familiar with no matter how tired I was. It’s this line where something clicks with me and I immediately become intrigued, and finished the entire series in one sitting. What can I say, I tend to connect better with media versus people. With media I don’t need to be honest, I can keep it within while the characters and the storyline burns with their ‘truths’.
I’ve always been crazy about firsts, change, and new people or places. When I was young it was going to new towns, a new kid in school or new locations. I remember begging my mom from ages 10-16 to let me go to a new nearby school for the thrill of being forced into meeting new friends, learning a new building layout and having a new plethora of cute boys. I love being uncomfortable. I didn’t know it at the time but my mom was actually saving me because those neighbor schools were actually unfortunately not to get me an education. (As you can CLEARLY tell the school I attended is where I gained all my useful knowledge……) This eventually grew into colleges. First school? Not enough bars and too young looking to get laid. Next was too close to home where I only talked to my high school ex-boyfriend, way too dull and familiar for me. After my 3rd school transfer I realized I needed to chill and find a new “new” or I’d never graduate, plus changing locations every time I got bored was just not realistic. That’s when I found BGSU. A nice place with fantastic people, where I felt like I could call home for a bit, however it’s where I realized how many voids I did have which I’ve talked about before. I found new adventures in one night stands. It was a change, always new and definitely a first.. It’s every parents dream. Nothing was more exciting for me than to go out with my lovely girlfriends, drink until my chest was numb and then find a new boy to fall in love with for a few hours. Not a night, they never stay over.
So I started being the college whore and I loved it. I liked being at a party where I knew If this new guy doesn’t come home with me, one of the others I’ve messed around with will make me feel important later. I never wanted to repeat a one night stand, but when we didn’t talk at all the first time, it had the passion and the feeling of a new first again. This would entertain me up until the day I left BGSU. After college I knew I needed to chill on the sleeping around because that’s not what you’re supposed to do. People started judging me even though I loved it so much. What did I turn to? Moving to new cities. Spent time in southwest Ohio, moved to New York City for a bit, found a home in Charlotte.. (by home I mean lived in an apartment for a year) and eventually settled in Cincinnati. Like I’ve shown, consistency is dull, but at least I wasn’t sleeping around anymore. Found my entertainment in new friends, finding a new coffee shop and exploring different places where I wouldn’t see those faces again. I felt wholesome and I felt wild in a new way. When I moved to Cincinnati, I loved where I lived and I didn’t see me moving for awhile. I was near family and I was living with my best friend, my grown up mind knew this was something I couldn’t give up. Dating hadn’t been working for me and moving seemed to stop so had to find something to keep my “adventurous” side stimulated. After a long 2 years I found myself kissing random boys again and moving it even more than before. I knew this wasn’t the answer but when I’ve tried to stop being a slut for a good, I felt myself getting extremely bored. It’s as simple as that.
I tried to investigate why I couldn’t stop sleeping around. According to Uber Dictionary, “Daddy issues is an informal phrase for the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one’s father, often manifesting in a distrust of, or sexual desire for, men who act as father figures.” I learned what this meant after my 30th sex partner and it was instantly a Fleabag choking on air moment. I then found an article on why you should never date a women with these issues. I didn’t have a father figure in my life, or a man really. It was my mom, sister and I. Too be honest, my favorite feeling in the world is when any man any age looks at me like I was a prize. That is not what this story is about however it would help explain even more to me. I hit an age where I couldn’t keep changing locations and no one gave a shit who your new favorite band was (even though you’d always have one) so I inevitably went back to one of the few things that made me feel alive. I found my consistent newness need (I’m an island of paradoxes) by meeting new men. It was an adventure that made you feel worthy, felt good about yourself and 50% of the time it would feel decent. In my early 20s I was missing a void, I was decently good looking, loved new adventures and loved attention from men, sleeping around was ideal for me. It was the perfect mixture of new and firsts.
My encouraging roommate would ask me “are you excited for (insert any basic white guy name here) to come over?” and I would be! I’d shave, make my vagina smell like a flower it’s not supposed to smell like, think about how I’ll make my first move and I’d feel on top of the world knowing that this person was taking their time to see me. A new first kiss was the drive and has been for the last 6 years. The sex usually wasn’t even in my mind. I’d inevitably give in to letting them fuck me, because If a boy wanted to be naked with me, I should let them; It’s kind of them to offer. “How was the sex?” I’d get asked the next day and 90% of the time my response would be “eh”. It wasn’t until this last year, or maybe two (who knows with Covid) and about 40 one night stands to understand that I didn’t actually enjoy the sex of the one night stands. It was the firsts for me. I like a new man sitting next to me being nervous. It was the unfamiliar boy wanting to be with me for an hour of their time (usually less). It was the first touch he gave my leg while we’re trying to find something on Netflix to pass the 20 minutes before I’ll be on top of him. It was when a new face stares at my lips, while I’m trying to memorize their face, both too nervous to just lean in. It was ultimately the control I have over them and the way they crave me.
Not the actual sex though, I’m usually faking that. Guys aren’t the performers in sex, they’re there just move their bodies and make themselves cum. It’s the women that have to adjust or convince herself that it feels good.. that’s why so many women are gay. I like living in Cincinnati and I’m done with school. One night stands will be the way to fill the void while I know how to unless there’s a boy that sweeps me off my feet. After meeting too many of them, that chance is becoming pretty slim.
trying to be someone i read about 