a life worth instagraming

I spend a lot of my time trying to make a fulfilling life. I want to do something I can look back on and think “I will always remember tonight.” The issue that comes with that is the pressure. I find myself overthinking if every night isn’t absolutely amazing or find myself overwhelmed with how much life there is to live. It’ll be 3am and I won’t want to sleep without doing one extra crazy thing, (alcohol can make that “crazy thing” pretty terrifying). I want to experience everything, see everything, live life the “correct” way and I want this so desperately bad. It turns out that I find myself doing nothing. 

Life terrifies me. I mean that in the since that there is so much pressure for it to be outstanding. I want to see the world yet instead of saving money I’ll buy a new top for Saturday night. I want to go to so many different concerts or see art I’ve never seen, but then I’ll run up a $70 tab at a dive bar. So much pressure for perfect life that I constantly feel like I’m doing it wrong. What is the “right” way to live your life? Is there a right way? If you’re happy with your life raising kids, going to work and looking forward to Friday, then you’re doing it right. If you love being alone, masterbating everynight and drinking red wine during Bravo marathons then I suppose you’re doing it right too. The issue is that I’m doing the latter, It just doesn’t feel like what I’m meant to do.

I spend my time going to work to earn money just so I can pay my bills to live. When I’m not working i have 4 hours to relax and then I’m doing it all over again. Life is all about experiences so why do I find myself not experiencing anything? I’m doing what I told myself I’d never do and settling. I can tell you one thing, I need to stop searching for these experiences at a run down bar with well whiskey.

I’m not sure what the underlying point of this is. Maybe this is as good as my life will get and that should be okay. I have lovely friends, a supportive family and I’m privileged to have a roof over my head with food in my belly. I just want a life to write about you know? Right now the only crazy things I can write about are the fucked up things that happened to me. I refuse for that to be my narrative.